Slow Moves.
It just makes me wonder though, when did things get complicated? How did we suddenly jump from notes passed in class with ‘do you like me tick yes or no’ to situations where both people are scared to be the first ones to jump into something and really open up to someone else.
Were we braver back in the days of passing those notes? Or are we braver now? I question this because theres more at stake now. There are real feelings involved in a lot of cases, sex etc. Whereas back then, you’d ‘go out’ with a boy which involved holding hands and maybe kissing around the school yard and if things were actually really serious going to the movies.I’ve never been one for feelings. I avoid them at all costs, i try and avoid letting people in. But this boy, he has me hooked. In some respects i dont like it, yet in some respects its good to know that somewhere behind the cold hearted bitch front, there is an ability to let someone other than a best friend in. I’m afraid by all of this. I’m afraid to let him in further than he already is [even though he doesnt know how far in he is] but on the other hand, i want to let him in because i think he would be amazing. I’m afraid of if i did let him in, of pushing him away because i cant handle letting him in. I know it wouldnt be a conscious effort to get rid of him, but my trust issues go a lot deeper than most would suspect, and that, is my downfall. I dont trust anyone enough to let people in. I’m afraid to, because i’m so cynical and so afraid of getting hurt.
I think he’s scared too. He’s let someone in before, and it didnt end well. I think it hurt him more than he lets on to me. Theres moments where i can see it in his eyes. I mean i could be drawing blanks here; he might really not be interested, but i think its more that he’s scared too. Scared to open up again because he doesnt want to feel that pain again.
FINALLY… Someone else is feeling what im feeling. I’ve been trying to find a way to express myself in how im feeling at the moment and this is the closest. I dont actually have a ‘cold hearted bitch front’. But, ive never been one for showing my true feelings. Yet, not showing my feelings have always lead me into trouble. Atm, the one I have true feelings for (ive never actully felt this way before) has a girlfriend (for about 2 months now) we did have ‘something’ and I dont know if I was the only one who felt it! I truly hope not. I seen ‘him’ the other day and I dont know what it was but as soon as he seen me he had a ‘sparkle’ in his eyes. Is that meant to mean something? Do I still have a chance or should I move on?
Sigh!
Also, when did things get SO complicated.
5 months ago